


And What About the Truth

by fidelisinfinitum



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 16x08, Angst, Confessions of love, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, episode tag to 16x08
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 17:21:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13768878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fidelisinfinitum/pseuds/fidelisinfinitum
Summary: Episode tag to 16x08Amanda's drunk, and she's at Olivia's door. It's not the greatest combination for the blonde.





	And What About the Truth

**Author's Note:**

> I might have this on tumblr?? I can't remember (sorry I haven't been on lately, a lot has been going on... sorry)

She's drunk, she's so drunk she doesn't even know how she's thinking straight (she's not, in more ways than one) enough to leave the bar. If it were years ago, hell, if it were months ago, she would've just stayed, and gotten drunk enough that she wouldn't feel any guilt when she wandered into a casino and made herself even later for work than she would be with this hangover. 

She doesn't even realize how late it is until she's knocking on Olivia's door and there isn't an immediate answer. She's halfway through considering leaving by the time Olivia answers the door. Her hair, still shorter than Amanda is used to, no matter how long it's been since she cut it, is rumpled and she's wearing a gray t-shirt and pajama pants. Her face is slightly worried before she sees Amanda, then becomes even more worried as the obviously drunk blonde shifts from foot to foot, almost guiltily. 

"Amanda?" Olivia asks, her voice hushed, and Amanda remembers with a jolt that she has a kid now. It's sobering, and makes her feel immature, because here is Olivia, with her life together and her shit together, and then there's her, drunk out of her mind, coming to her colleague, who probably doesn't even like her anyway, because she just tried to get Nick to hit her. 

She didn't realize she said all of that out loud, and probably wouldn't have if it hadn't been for the look on Olivia's face. 

"Amanda," she says again, but this time it's softer, it's said with compassion instead of confusion. She pulls her into her apartment, onto the couch, and Amanda doesn't protest, because sometimes it's easier that way. "What were you doing?"

"I wasn't," she says quickly, a sick feeling in her stomach because she can't have Olivia thinking about her like that again, never, "I wasn't gambling, I swear, Olivia." There are hot tears pooling in her eyes, almost spilling down her cheeks because she's too drunk to control herself. 

"Amanda, I believe you," Olivia says, and suddenly the she is losing all semblance of self control. She sobbing on Olivia's couch in the half light of the moon and the city through the curtains, breaking down quietly as Olivia tries almost everything to comfort her. The brunette's hands flutter from her forearms to her shoulders before she settles on pulling the blonde into a hug. Amanda hugs her back, her head resting on top of Olivia's shoulder and her arms wrapping around her. 

It took a while, but she's mostly stopped crying now. They still hold each other though, Amanda still needing the comfort and Olivia still unwilling to let the detective out of her arms in this state. It's a long hug, but instead of feeling awkward, like she would normally, Amanda just feels better. Maybe it's because it's the middle of the night, maybe it's because she's drunk, but Amanda feels safer in these arms than she ever did with Nick. 

"Why were you trying to get Nick to hit you?" Olivia asks, whispers, really, breaking the still silence that was wrapped around them like a warm blanket on a chilly day. 

"I don't know," Amanda says slowly, her brain still too inebriated to fully understand her reasoning. She honestly doubts she ever will. "I wanted to show him what it might have been like if he was in that situation." They both know she's talking about the case, but they also both know she's lying. Olivia slowly eases her out of her arms, and Amanda lets go as soon as she feels the brunette's arms loosen, albeit reluctantly. 

"Really?" Olivia asks, her brown eyes filled up with dark pupils in the barely lit room. 

"No," Amanda says, breaking eyes contact by looking at her lap. "I wanted to see if he would do it. If he would stop being Saint Nick for one second and understand that he shouldn't play with people's emotions like that." Amanda's not sure when she turned angry, but it's taken her full throttle. 

"So did he? Hit you, I mean."

"No," she lets it out like a breath, with too much regret, she realizes, when she sees Olivia's eyes widen slightly. 

"Amanda, did you-"

"Stop," she says, interrupting the one who is probably the most important person in her life right now. "Let's not talk about this right now." Or ever, her brain supplies. She stands up, her knees somewhat weak, but she's still walked home worse, so she says, "I'm sorry I bothered you. I'm gonna go home now, Sergeant." She hoped that using her title, a platitude that she heard too often, would wake her up to how strange this whole situation was. Wake her up to the fact that she should just let Amanda go. 

"You're never a bother, Amanda," Olivia says, but Amanda highly doubts it, because what room does Olivia have in her life for a gambling addicted fuck up who can't distinguish between a work relationship and a romantic one. 

When she catches sight of the pained look on Olivia's face, Amanda knew that she had just spilled her guts again. She could feel her face turning crimson, and she covered it with her hand, in an attempt to save her the embarrassment of Olivia witnessing it. Rationally, she knew it didn't work that way, but all that thought did was make her start digging her nails into her forehead. 

She didn't hear Olivia stand up, so it was a surprise when she felt her hand gently move hers away from her face, then gently cup her face so that she could kiss her. 

It wasn't like in books or movies, where the kiss was all consuming and like a supernova of perfect love. It was slightly sloppy, because, after all, Amanda was still drunk and they both were tired, and Amanda could hear car horns outside (who the fuck was driving at this time of night anyway?) but it was nice. It was nice for all of five seconds before Amanda broke it and said, "What the hell, Olivia?" 

She felt a sort of vindictive glee at the flush that had suddenly popped up onto Olivia's cheeks. 

"I thought that's what you wanted," the brunette said. 

"Is it what you want?" Amanda asked, ankle twisting and heel grinding into the floor as she awaited her answer. "Honestly Olivia, do you want this?" 

She wasn't even talking mostly talking about herself anymore. It was the reputation of a sergeant in a relationship with a subordinate officer, a lesbian relationship no less. 

"You have no idea how much I want this, Amanda." The brunette stepped closer, so close that when Amanda breathed she could practically taste her breath. "How much I want you."

The second kiss was on a whole different spectrum from the first one. It was full of passion, of longing and desire, of a want to show the other how much they wanted the other. They broke apart just as Amanda felt like she was going to pass out from lack of air, and then they just stared at each other, chests heaving with shallow breaths that hardly satisfied their lust for air. 

Amanda was a whole different kind of buzzed now, and her body knew it. Her lips ached to feel Olivia's again, but she knew it was a bad idea. Something Olivia would probably regret in the morning. Something she'd probably regret in to morning, if she was being honest with herself, because there was no way that it would ever be anything more than a stupid drunken decision that would end up with one broken heart and one transfer out of Special Victims. 

"I think I'm going to-" she tried to say, but Olivia interrupted her before she could. 

"Do you want to stay here? You can take my bed, I'll sleep on the couch." Amanda started to shake her head, but Olivia said, "I just want you to be okay tonight," and she couldn't refuse that, could she?

Amanda was sure it was all a dream when she woke up the next morning, a crick in her neck from the couch she had insisted on sleeping on, but then Olivia came over, looking almost angelic in the sunlight streaming from her windows and kissed her swiftly. 

"Are we still, uh, doing this?" 

Amanda kissed her back before she could change her mind.


End file.
